September 11, 2010

I don't know where to start or what to call this post.  Today has been one of those days.  As I write this Cullen is crying in his crib, I'm pumping...yet again (stupid yellow monster) and my heart feels like it is being torn in two. 

After Corey returned from feeding Presley last night we talked and I asked what his thoughts were.  He said "I think we're going Downtown."  When I got to the hospital today his prediction was confirmed.  The general consensus is that we just aren't seeing enough progress at this point and she is at the age where we need to rule out other things.  What those "things" are I'm just not sure at this point.  Half of me is so grateful because overall we have two very healthy babies.  The other half of me is saddened because we are still unable to fix what is wrong.  It breaks my heart to see her in pain and so uncomfortable. 

I spent the afternoon with Presley and kept thinking about all of the moments we're missing without her being home.  We aren't getting to see her personality unfold as much as we do with Cullen.  She doesn't get to participate in our "family time" with the dogs and Cullen.  So many things. 

I remember telling Corey on June 6th that I just wanted them to be born.  I was so miserable.  When they told us that they were going to deliver them I decided that I changed my mind.  It became so real.   I feel so responsible and just wish I could have carried them a little longer.  I realize that this is all completely out of our control and we truly believe that God's will was carried out but I think it's human nature to wonder these things. 

We will meet with the doctors on either Monday or Tuesday and will know more than. 

4 comments:

the abernathy's said...

ohhh brittani, my heart is heavy for you as a mommy when i read this post. you are in my prayers. you are SUCH a strong momma and god is with you guys in all this. keep your faith sweetie. you are doing an AMAZING job. and while i know you are dying to have sweet P home with you guys - take comfort in knowing that she will never remember these days. i can only imagine the stress of all this on you and corey. please let me know if we can do ANYTHING to lessen your load. we will be praying for you all, especially you mommy. sweet P will be home one day soon - god is just finishing up her very special days of care with those amazing doctors. "he makes all things beautiful in His time" xo

icenhower-family said...

There are many times when the "what if's" or "why's" take over your thoughts. You know God is in control and you truly believe in everything he is doing, but its human nature to question. Since I have been there, I can tell you that these thoughts only make it harder on you and your family. You have to put your complete and total trust in God and trust your baby in the hands of these doctors. I wish I could say it is easy and that it will all fall into place over night, but those are promises that I just can't keep. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily!! Good luck and please feel free to call anytime you need to talk and/or vent!!

The Pifer's said...

I know it's hard not to feel responsible, b/c I feel that way with infertility. It's very easy to come down on ourselves, but Britt you are an amazing mother and you have done nothing wrong, you can't blame yourself because your body didn't carry them longer...like you explained, God's Will, he has a reason for everything. My heart aches for y'all because I can't possibly imagine going through what y'all did to conceive and now this...please know I am praying for y'all daily...I don't comment much because it's a little harder from my phone, but please know I stalk your blog and facebook for updates on your precious little ones. Keep your head up and think positive, God will not give you more than you can handle.

Love-Hugs and MANY PRAYERS-
Tiff

Christina and Mike said...

hang in there beautiful Oliver family!! We are thinking of you and praying for you every day!